The Idiot Savant of Dating

Note: As someone who loves humor (yes, dark humor too) I wanted to try my hand at a YA novella, mixing quirky humor with the early rise of romance in youths as they stretch toward adulthood. Here is a rough premise to this story.

Dave is very savvy but not too good looking. Ted is good looking, but daft as a brush. Ted is whining to Dave about a girl he really likes, but who barely acknowledges his existence. He doesn't know how to respond. Dave decides to take poor Ted under his wing and give him questionable advice.

"Listen Ted, a girl isn't going to give you the time of day if she sees that she can walk all over you. That's just the way life is."

"So what's your suggestion?"

"Make a comment that sounds like a compliment, but carries a barb with it. This will, and should, confuse her."

"What can I say that would carry that double edge, and wouldn't she be pissed off with me for saying it?"

"Okay," Dave said, "let's say that the two of you bump into each other. You don't stop and have a conversation."

"No?"

"No. What's this girls name, by the way."

"Julie. I love that name."

"I once had a hamster called Julie."

"Is that what you want me to say to her, that I once owned a rodent that carried her name?"

"No, you muppet. What you say to her, in passing, is... Wow, those extra couple of pounds really look good on you. Then you carry on going wherever you were going. Just casually pass that remark and keep going."

"What result, exactly, am I going for here?"

"Technically, you've given her a compliment, but if there is one topic that all women can't get out of their head, it's their weight."

"So, basically I've called her fat."

"You never heard me mention the word fat, did you?"

"I'm thinking that might be a technicality."

"Now you're getting the general idea."

"How will I know if the insult worked, and please explain to me again, why insulting her will make her look upon me more rather than less favorably."

"This one's easy. Inside ten seconds, sometimes less, she will feel her own thighs, to see if she can feel the extra weight to which you cleverly alluded. Your comment will make her think about you every time her hands slide over her thighs."

"You're suggesting that she'll check to see if she's suddenly got fat, and all of this inside ten seconds? Bullshit! I don't know where you come up with these ideas, Dave, and I know you're good with the girls, despite your looks."

"What do you mean, despite my looks? I'm a handsome fella. Tell you what, I'll prove it to you right now. Here comes Shirley. She weighs about as much as a wet sock, agreed?"

"Agreed."

"No way can she believe that she's anything other than skinny, am I right?"

"When you're right, you're right."

"Would you say that her thighs were slender, at best?"

"I've seen more meat on a butcher's dog."

"Watch this, and marvel at my knowledge of the female psyche."

"Hi, Shirley," Dave said, as she passed by.

"Hi, Dave," she replied, without breaking stride.

"I have to say, Shirley, those extra couple of pounds look fantastic on you."

Shirley stopped in her tracks, turned, looked suitably confused, then continued on her way.

"Wait for it," Dave said.

Both of Shirley's hands slid down over her thighs, as her walk slowed. She patted them a couple of times, then picked up the pace again.

"Wait 'till she gets to the elevator," Dave said, still studying her.

Shirley duly arrived at the elevator, and pressed the button. Twice before the light signaled the arrival of the elevator, her hands checked out her skinny hips.

"I'm totally impressed," Ted said. "It's like you had a crystal ball. How did you know?"

"Psychology, mate. Once you know how the female mind works, they become putty in your hands. Your problem, Ted me old son, is that you spend all of your time swooning over this Julie. Swooning carries very low marks in a woman's eyes. It shows that you're subservient. Women want their man to be in charge. It's bred into them. You're trying to swim uphill with a lead ball tied to your leg."

"So, I should definitely insult her from here on in, yes?"

"I didn't say insult her, Ted. Throw her off balance. You can even get away with being sexually suggestive, as long as you're not downright rude. Rudeness also carries low marks, unless you know what you're doing."

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It was two days before Ted got a chance to engage the woman of his dreams. They were on a bus packed with old and young alike. Standing room only, but that suited Ted just fine. He took it as an opportunity to get closer to the object of his affection.

"Hi Julie."

If she heard him, she didn't show it.

"I dreamt about you last night. Oh, what a dream."

Nothing.

"Some might think your ass is fat, but I'm partial to a bit of meat."

"What did you say?" Julie gasped, turning pink and staring at him in disbelief.

Dave was right. This works great, Ted thought.

"I don't have a problem with girls who have fat asses or saggy boobs, especially if that girl's name is Julie." He offered her his sexiest grin.

Julie pushed her face close to his. "My ass isn't fat and my boobs don't droop, you cheeky bastard."

More than a few eyes turned in their direction.

"I suppose you're going to tell me you don't have the urge to feel your thighs, right about now."

"My thighs? You mean my fat thighs, just below my sagging boobs?"

It was right about now, that Ted experienced that nagging feeling that perhaps he hadn't fully grasped the correct technique required in the application of Dave's lesson.

"I'm not saying that they do sag... much. Of course, when you get older, it's only natural that they will, and they are sure to look just as good. Your wrinkles won't bother me either." He wanted to shut up, the same way that a man standing on a ledge ten stories up, doesn't want to look down.

The bus pulled in to the side of the road.

"My stop," Ted lied. "See you."

"Hold on, I've got something for you," Julie said, and slapped him hard across the face. "Dream about that, why don't you."

The wind was taken from poor Ted's sails. The slap wasn't the worst of it though. That would be the size 8 shoe that tried to investigate his colon, just before he disembarked. The bus pulled back out into traffic. At a loss, he waved to her as if they had recently parted after a cozy lunch date. Reaching behind himself, his hands went not to his thighs, but to his bruised starfish. Well, he thought, he got half of the technique right. She appeared suitably insulted. Dave would know how to bring his ship back to an even keel.

Chapter 2

Julie and Kirsten were sitting opposite each other in their local ice-cream parlor. 

"Do I have saggy boobs?" Julie asked.

Kirsten grinned.

"What?" Julie wanted to know.

"A boy's involved. True or false?"

"Do they sag?"

"We're eighteen. Of course our boobs don't sag. Who told you yours did?"

"What about my thighs?"

"They don't sag either."

Julie could tell her best friend was enjoying her discomfort. She leaned in closer.

"A good friend would tell her friend if she was getting fat. That's how friendships work."

"What's his name?" Kirsten asked.

"I don't fancy him, even if he is good looking."

"His name?"

"He told me I had a fat ass and drooping boobs. In front of millions on a bus. Can you believe that?"

Kirsten gave up. She resigned herself to the inevitable. Julie would divulge the name of the boy who had offended her in her own good time. Years of conversations between them had made that fact apparent.

"I've got a driving lesson this afternoon," Kirsten said, staring into the distance.

"I put my foot up his ass as he left the bus."

"The millions inside made room for you, then?"

"It was a tight squeeze and I'm not denying I hurt several toes."

"What was his reaction?"

"He smiled and waved at me, the cheeky sod."

"Do you ever get mixed up with the brake and the accelerator pedals?" Kirsten wanted to know.

Julie searched the air above her friend's head.

"When my foot found his ass, it was all acceleration."

Kirsten didn't respond.

"Ted," Julie said after several seconds of silence.

"Robinson?"

"That's the one."

"He's got pretty eyes."

"They both almost left his head when my foot connected."

Kirsten snorted. She tried her best not to spit the mouthful of strawberry milkshake back into the glass. Spit or choke. Those were her options as she envisioned Julie's description of Ted's face.   

"That's gross," Julie remarked as the pink liquid exploded from her friend's nose.

Kirsten grabbed both her napkin and Julie's as she wiped her face clean.

"You waited till I had a mouthful of milkshake before telling me that. Admit it."

Julie grinned. "Maybe."

Kirsten glanced around to see if her indiscretion had been noticed by any of the other patrons. Two tables away, a young mother was trying her best to keep her young son from staring at them. The woman's scowl told of her feelings about bearing witness to Kirsten's nasal expulsion.  

"He fancies you, doesn't he?"

"You've lost me," Julie admitted. "What kind of idiot tells a girl that her boobs are reaching for the floor as a pick-up line?"

 "Girls brains mature quicker than their male counterpart," Kirsten answered. "It's why women are smarter than men."

"I knew that. Who doesn't?"

"Brains develop from the back of the head to the front," Kirsten continued. "It takes longer for that to happen for boys, and the front of your brain is what produces smart comments instead of dumb ones."                         

Chapter 3

"You said WHAT?" Dave asked, his eyes as wide as the time his ex tried to rip his balls from his body due to a misunderstanding.

"You told me to insult her."

"Not true, Ted. I told you to throw her off balance with a comment that could be taken two ways. Telling her she has a fat ass can only be taken one way. Same goes for suggesting she has saggy boobs."

"Give it to me straight, Dave. "Am I screwed?"

"Screwed? Heck no. We just have to shift gears is all."